Ferryboats and Scrubcaps
by unnamedconspirator
Summary: Exploring Derek's love of Ferryboats since he was a child, and the story behind the Scrubcap, before he met The Girl at a Bar. How Ferryboats set McDreamy on the path to Meredith. Canon. Some Addek. Mark Friendship, Savvy and Weiss, Mama Shepherd. Sisters, and more. MerDer at the end. Why is no one reading this? LAST 2 CHAPS UP! COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** **I do not own the characters or the ferryboats in this story and do not make money off of this fic. The characters belong to Shonda and the Ferryboats belong to the Ferryboat people? I don't know.**

His first recollection of being on a Ferryboat was with his mother. He was four. He remembered that because it was his birthday and his mother didn't bring the stroller because he was a 'big boy' now. They were going across the Hudson, to the store. To visit dad. It was a really special memory because Kathleen was in school. And Nancy was being looked after by Aunt Liz, So it was just him and mom.

There was the steep narrow staircase, which was hard to climb two steps at a time. His mother's warm brown eyes twinkled when he tried. "Come, Der, there's no time for that, people are waiting behind you," she chuckled, gently prodding him on.

When he got to the top, his rubber-booted feet clapped against the deck as he rushed for the railing, eager to face the bow and size up all the ships that passed by. There was the yucky ones, like garbage barges, that caused him to crinkle his nose and fake retch if they were downwind. But then there was the cruise ships and freightliners that seemed to dwarf him and cause his neck to ache as they went by.

Ferryboats brought his imagination to life. Derek was Peter Pan, enchanted by fairy dust and flying all over Neverhattan, stopping on the ferryboat pirate ship to fight Captain Hook! He would race from bow to stern, clutching an imaginary sword to fight his imaginary opponent as he parried and thrust, making swishing noises and heeyah's. With spurts of agile energy, he rolled and pounced, and jumped and climbed until he felt his mothers hand on his shoulder. "Derek, it's time to sit and eat, dear."

His expression crumpled as he was pulled from his dreamland. He started to whine in protest, refusing the simple turkey sandwich his mother. "Derek, stop that!" she chided. "After we eat, you'll be visiting your father at the store. He has cake for you."

"Cake?" he asked.

"Yes, darling," his mother ruffled his untamable brown locks "Vanilla cake, not too much icing, of course. And then we're going to Aunt Liz's for your party. Kathleen and Nancy and all your friends wii be there!"

"Oh yah!" he said, slapping his forehead dramatically, "My pawty!" How could he have forgotten his own party?

But it didn't matter, he was excited to see dad most of all. His dad and cake, he couldn't wait!

Ferryboats taught him anticipation.

 **A/N:** More to come! Not sure really how long this will be. Last time I thought I was going to do a One Shot, I ended writing nearly fifteen chapters ( **Growing Pains** ) Anyway, what do you think? This will be a light-hearted Derek-y fic.


	2. K-I-S-S-I-N-G

**A/N:** This chapter is dedicated to... Patsy!

Seven year-old Derek was running away from his sisters. He ducked behind a wall on the deck of the ferry. They wouldn't leave him alone...

 _Earlier, At School._

 _"Girls are a PAIN!" Derek complained. "They're sooo annoying," he picked at the grass beside him._

 _Mark shrugged, "Girls aren't that bad..." he said, gazing wistfully at a brunette doing cartwheels across the field._

 _"You just say that cause you don't have sisters. Just wait till you have to live with a girl, they're the worst." They were. Kathleen was a nag, Nancy was a tattletale, Lizzie cried all the time... and now he just found out that another baby was coming. He hated girls._

 _"I think Susie has a crush on you," Mark said._

 _"Susie?" he asked. Susie that lived down the block? They were in swimming lessons together, and sometimes she came over to play with Nancy. He never paid any attention to Susie. Because she was a GIRL._

 _"She told Nancy she wants to maarrrry you," Mark teased._

 _Derek's face scrunched in disgust. "Ew. Gross." He didn't want to get married! Not until he was like... a hundred or something. "Wait," he said. "How do people get married anyway?" He knew his parents were married, and he knew that's what people did to make babies. But how did it happen?_

 _"Easy," Mark said. "You hold hands and kiss." Then he stood up and grinned mischievously, "Hey, you think I should marry Julia?"_

 _Derek rolled his eyes, "Ugh, you are such a Canasova!"_

 _"That's Cassanova. Excuse me."_

 _Derek sighed as he watched his new friend saunter off in search of a GIRL. He would never understand Mark._

Now he was trapped on the ferry. Kathy and Nancy searching for him because they were Susie's bridesmaids. No way he was going to get married! No way.

From his hiding spot, he saw mom and dad on the forward deck. Lizzie was there too, playing with her doll. But his parents were oblivious to his younger sister. They were standing facing each other, the wind blowing his mother's hair in front of her eyes. His father pushed her hair out of the way and cupped her face. As the wind swirled around them, they leaned into each other, his mother on her tippy toes. And there it was, the unmistakable touch of their lips, pressing for a moment then deepening, causing their heads to move in sync. Then they pulled away, slightly breathless. Mother turned to check on Lizzie before turning back to face the water again, and her hand slid easily into her husband's as they enjoyed the oncoming view.

It lasted less then five seconds. Long enough for Derek to ponder what it meant. Of course, he'd seem them kiss before... but this time it was different. Why? He wondered, why do people kiss? Because it seemed like a silly idea to him. Kissing was gross. Girls were gross. Why would he want to touch a girl's lips?

"Susie and Derek sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes LOVE, then comes MARRIAGE, then comes a BABY in a BABY carriage!" Nancy and Kathy chanted.

Darn, they found him! He pushed himself out of the nook he'd found, trying to squeeze. out of their clutches. As he did so, he tripped on his untied shoelace. Kathy grabbed him from behind, pulling him up. And right in front of him was Susie.

He stared at her. She stared at him. "Um..." he stammered. The wind blew her blonde hair in front of her face, and her blue eyes glistened in the sunlight. Nancy bumped him from behind. He glowered at her. But he was sorta curious. He looked at Susie and leaned forward, not sure what to do.

Susie grabbed his hand. Before he could process anything, he saw a blonde flash, and felt the warm touch of soft skin on his lips. Then it was gone. He blinked. Susie blinked. Then she dashed off, her blonde hair bouncing behind her yellow sundress. He pressed two fingers to his lips. That was it? That was what a kiss felt like? It wasn't that bad... It wasn't gross. Actually, it felt kinda... nice. He sighed, tilted his head and allowed a small smile to stretch across his lips.

Then a scary thought occured to him. Did he just get MARRIED?

He learned about Kisses on a Ferryboat.

 **A/N:** This was a fun chapter to think about, and write! Where is everybody? Thoughts anyone? BTW, I just updated **Growing Pains** just the epilogue remains.


	3. Somebody got Murdered

**A/N:** It's supposed to be more light hearted, but I can't ignore this chapter of Derek's life so...

 _Somebody got murdered  
His name cannot be found  
A small stain on the pavement  
They'll scrub it off the ground  
As the daily crown disperses  
No-one says that much  
Somebody got murdered  
And it' left me with a touch_

The Clash lyrics rippled through his thirteen-year old brain. He bobbed his head to the rythmn as he clutched the headphones of his brand new Sony Walkman that he'd saved up for. That he worked at his dad's store to save up for. The music, while loud and clanging to most- somehow struck a harmonic chord with him. This particular Album had a mix of everything, but it didn't matter. It was the anger, the rebeliousness. The against the grain style that pulled him in. The societal commentary suited him. Because everything in his world had just been flipped on its axis. A week ago his father had been murdered right in front of him. Everything was just so... wrong.

He clutched the cold wet rail of the Ferryboat, facing the wind thrown specks of drizzle that pricked him. At least he didn't have to hide his tears. _A small stain on the pavement._ _They'll scrub it off the ground._ That was how he felt. He turned the volume up. His ears hurt. He just wanted to... break something. Pound somebody to smithereens. Those rat bastards that shot his dad. For a friggin watch.

He swore instead. Because he wasn't anybody. He was a scrawny gangly-limbed, fuzz-faced teenager, no match for a man with a gun. So instead, he pounded his head up and down to the rythmn in his quiet corner on the Ferryboat. It had just docked, and was now finished loading. In a few minutes, it would be crossing the river again.

How long had he been here? He didn't know. He didn't care. Suddenly something in his heart unclogged, and a sob broke through his forced frown. He sputtered. Boy's didn't cry. But he couldn't stop it. _Somebody got murdered, a_ _nd it left me with a touch..._

The tears were harsh and angry, matching the wail that escaped his throat. He was sure people were staring at him now, but he could care less. He didn't care. His father was shot. In front of him. Nobody cared about that either.

He used to ride the Ferry with his Dad all the time. After they closed up. In the morning on Saturday's. He'd buy him a hot dog from the cramped stand on the corner, from the grizzled old vendor who had shaky hands. His dad always tipped the man. Derek never understood why. The hot dogs didn't taste any better than any other guy's.

Now he couldn't eat hot dogs. Now he couldn't go to the store. He missed the way his dad mussed his hair, even though he used to hate it when he did it.

He blinked. The boat was departing now. He ran to the other side. The one that faced home. He pressed rewind on his cassette for a few seconds to start the song again. He wasn't sure if he could go home right now. He tugged at his tie again, trying to loosen it. He'd tried before but he didn't do it right and it wouldn't budge. This time he had the presence of mind to pull the proper way and he finally slipped it off. It was silk, and tear stained and wrinkled. He wanted to throw it into the river, but he didn't. It was his father's tie, so instead he crumpled it and shoved it in his pocket. His fingers fumbled with the buttons on his suit jacket. Mom was going to kill him for ruining it with the rain, but he didn't care.

He ran trembling hands through his wild locks as another sob attacked him. Dammit. But the tears came and went with his sobs as he remembered his father. He commited every detail to memory, like he was studying for an exam. He was good at exams. He would be good at this. He remembered the way his dad looked at him, with a mixture of fascination and pride. With carefull love. He remembered the way his dad taught him about responsibility. _You make a promise... You keep it._ He'd said, after a heartbreaking lesson involving a girl and a movie, where he didn't show up because he had to get this new walkman. The one he was wearing now.

But there would be no more lessons from dad anymore. No shreds of advice or mussing of his hair. No poking in the ribs and side glances- _"You finished your chores right? You love your sisters right?"_

He rode the Ferryboat instead. At least he had that.


	4. Can't Keep My Eyes off of Youuu

C You're just too good to be true.

C/B Can't take my eyes off you.

C/A# You'd be like Heaven to touch.

F/A I wanna hold you so much

The pads on Derek's fingers were sore as he pressed against the hard steel strings of the guitar. **'C'** he thought. His fingers stretched across the the frets as he unnaturally curled his fingers to the approriate notes to create the **'C'** Chord. He pressed with his left, strummed with his right. "Just too good to be truuue" he crooned. He was perched precariously on the rail of the ferryboat, his ankles hooked on the bar beneath him. The warm May sun shone brightly over the water, reflecting sparks off the surface. His almost afro of curls hung over his eyes and he knit his brows in concentration. **'B'** he thought, and he tried to remember the position, again his fingers stretched to another awkward position as he strummed. "Can't take my eyes off of yooouuu,"

He was sixteen. He wanted to be cool and ask Heather to the Prom. Heather was nice and sweet. She was a twirler in the band. Somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind, he knew that she didn't really _love_ him... but he optimistically chose to ignore that, thinking he could woo her with his... something. He didn't know what yet, he was still trying to figure it out.

"You sound like a yodeler," Mark said from the bench.

"Shut up." Derek replied.

"Can't pick up chicks singing like that..." Mark tossed a sideways glance at his friend over a bottle of coke.

Derek curled his fingers around the neck of his acoustic Gibson J-45. He fingerpicked a a few notes in a somewhat recognizable tune. Then he shook his head and snorted. "At least I can keep a chick..."

"C'mon, that was how long? A month?"

Derek didn't reply, instead he flicked his head into the wind, allowing it to blow his hair away from his eyes. "I read somewhere that guys who play guitar are more attractive." Metal met wood as he scrambled for the C chord again. "You're like heaven to..." A#. How did that go? He closed his eyes and remembered, "-touch"

"You know makes you more attractive? Nice hair. Muscles. Shep, seriously... you need to work out or something. You're a frigging pencil."

"Ha ha, Mark. You know what else gets girls? Intelligence. Sensitivity."

Silence. Mark sipped his coke again. Derek ran his fingers through his sweaty curls. He ran his hand along the neck of the guitar. F "I wanna hold you so-" A "Much..." he crooned off key. He continued the song as best he remembered, slowly and haltingly. "At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I'm alive," He tried to picture how he would ask her, what he would say. He'd need a good shirt. Mom always taught him to dress nice. Maybe that red one? Red was good, it was his lucky color.

"You're just too good to be true," Derek sang, much to Mark's Dismay. "Can't take my eyes off you. Pardon the way that I stare. There's nothing else to compare," he looked up, noticing a couple of freshmen girls watching him. He quirked his lip slightly, maintaining eye contact. "The sight of you leaves me weak. There are no words left to speak," His smile grew broader revealing white teeth. he looked at those girls as if they were the only ones that mattered. They responded with shy smiles of their own. Something was working. "But if you feel like I feel, Please let me know that it's real," he strummed with a little more passion and surety. "You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off you."

He knew he was just a shy awkward teenager, but here, practicing on the Ferryboat with no other distractions... he learned... it was all about the chase wasn't it?

A/N: Thanks for reading! Also, I have now finished Growing Pains, if that interests anybody...


	5. Wile E Coyote and Hair Product

Derek felt the spray from the ruddy Hudson river as he leaned over the rung on the lower deck. He didn't feel like going to the top today. He'd just been dumped. Just after Grad too. It had been a surreal experience played out on the bleachers of the empty high school track.

 _The wooden bench uncomfortable, the paint was chipped and revealed slowiy rotting wood. Derek rubbed the irritated pimple on his cheek. Heather said for him to meet her there. He twisted upon hearing footsteps behind him. She appeared on the stairs above, a couple of her girlfriends in tow behind her. Something was up, he knew. She'd been avoiding him all day. And last week his usually bubbly girlfriend seemed sad. Heather separated from her friends and stood beside his seated form._

 _He rubbed his knees, "Heather, what's- what's going on? Is everything okay?" he asked worriedly._

 _Heather sucked in a deep breath as she sat on the bench below and faced him. Her green eyes flicked past him for a second, getting support from her friends. He knew that look. He had too many sisters to not be fooled._

 _"Heather?"_

 _"Derek, um... you're really nice-" she started._

 _"You're breaking up with me?"_

 _"Yeah... yes."_

 _He felt like Wile E Coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons. If he looked up there'd be an anvil falling- or a piano. 'Don't look up' he told himself. "Why?" he asked, turning his hands palm up._

 _Heather looked down and picked at the hem of her white skirt. "I just- I think I love Tony."_

 _Okay, he didn't look up, but the anvil definitely hit him now. His head spun. Tony? Tony? The pompous, slick, head of debate club? How did this happen? When? How did he not know?_

 _"You're nice, and sweet... and you play the guitar," Heather was saying, but he was barely listening._ _"But I just don't love you like you deserve. Tony kissed me last week, and I kinda kissed him back." Heather was wringing her hands and there was tears in her eyes._

 _You know the part in the cartoons where the stuff that falls on the characters just gets bigger and bigger? Well after the anvil was the piano, then a 2 tonne weight, then a train, then a ship. Derek felt like that. He swallowed. "Oh," he managed. He felt woozy. Wile E Coyote held up a sign: I surrender._

 _He swallowed again, his adam's apple bulging against pale skin. Heather sighed and put her hand on his. "You were my first boyfriend," she said. "And I'm glad it was you and not some jerk. I'm sorry, Derek." Her gaze flicked back up to her girlfriends. "I have to go... Maybe I'll see you around?" she offered a tiny smile._

 _He couldn't reciprocate. He just sat there alone on the bench. In cartoon land, Wile E Coyote was wrapped in bandages, staggering along the desert road, a huge goose egg growing out of the top of his head._

Now on the ferryboat, Derek watched the far side of the river slowly shrink in size. Like an old film machine, a movie of his relationship was flipping through his mind... and he just couldn't see it. He loved Heather, or he thought he did. He did all the right things didn't he? Flowers? Check. Walk to class? Check. Make nice with Heather's friends? Check. Frequent dates? Check. Impress parents? Check. Kissing? Check, check, check. Was it the kissing? He was a good kisser, at least he thought so... how do you know if no one tells you? Was that it? No... Heather liked his kisses.

Then what?

"There you are Derek. Good God, I had to check every floor for you, what in the world are you doing down here?"

He jerked up at his sister Kathleen's voice. What was she doing here? "Kathleen..." he said icily. Nancy must've talked. She'd seen him leave in a huff after school.

"So... Nancy said you and Heather-"

"Yeah." He said. "Go away. I don't wanna be shrinked."

Kathleen snorted, "Hardly Derbear, I'm only two years in."

"Whatever. Go away."

"No," She said indignantly. "I have just as much right to be here as you do."

"Fine. But I'm not talking."

His older sister shrugged and turned around so her back was against the rail. "So... she didn't love you. Poor Derek."

He bit his cheek to keep himself from saying something mean.

"It's high school," Kathleen continued. "Nothing lasts in high school. High school... is training alright? You learn the basics, you practice... you have fun."

"I loved her." He finally said.

"No you didn't. You experienced infatuation. She was attractive to your hormone filled brain, and so you chased her, and it felt good. But that's not love."

"What's love then?" He asked.

Kathleen shook her head, "Hell if I know... I just study brain chemistry. Mom says you'll know."

"I thought I did."

"So... what are you going to do now?"

Derek shrugged.

Kathleen sighed and turned back to face the river again. "Oh, before I forget..." She dug in her humongous purse and pulled out a squat cylindrical jar.

"What's this?" Derek asked as Kathleen handed it to him.

"Pomade. For your hair. Time for a new look, I think. Don't you?"

He stared at the jar like it was radioactive.

"What do I do with this?"

"Stick it in your hair? I don't know... ask a barber. Mom bought it for you. Dad used to use it all the time, apparently."

"Dad had nice hair," Derek said.

"Yeah," Kathleen sighed wistfully.

He stared at the jar. In his mind, Wile E Coyote was opening a new ACME box. A brand new plan already in the works. Hair product huh? He ran a hand through his curly locks. He needed a cut. "So what- should I get a motorcyle too?" He asked, grinning.

Kathleen groaned, "Whatever floats your boat, Derek."

He laughed.

He found New Beginings on a Ferryboat.


	6. The Horizon

This was the first time Derek Shepherd would dread being on a ferryboat. And it was the first time in four years that he'd been on the ferryboat with his mother. Now twenty-two, Derek had filled out and tamed his wild hair into a manageable coif, albeit maybe a little too greasy. But his heart was heavy today. He only hoped that what he was about to do was a good thing.

The late summer air was humid and a little cool as morning mist was parted by the wind and waves. He turned his back to the rails, not wanting to face his destination just yet, he sighed heavily, a long deep exhale from the very pit of him and stared blankly ahead.

"You're doing a good thing, dear." His mother said from her spot beside him. Unlike him, she faced forward to their destination.

"I know...I just-"

"Derek. You were a boy, playing a game. It was an accident. Mrs. Boetcher knows that, she doesn't blame you." His mother said, matter of factly.

"Hm." He rumbled, nodding. He knew that of course, but still there was that niggling feeling. If he hadn't acted out, or allowed his anger to get the best of him... if he hadn't hit Michael _so hard_ he wouldn't be here making this trip with his mother and her casserole.

But then, would he have pursued Neuroscience?

Would he have wanted to go to medical school to be a surgeon?

For a long time he wanted to be a cop, because of his father's death. But then he realized that cops don't really fix things. Police, detectives, lawyers, prosecutors, didn't fix things... they just cleaned up messes.

Eight years ago, Derek Shepherd made a mess during an intense hockey practice session, he let Michael Boetcher get to him, and in a moment of weakness he cross-checked his teammate into the boards. Hard. They both went down.

Michael got up, shrugged it off and continued on like it was nothing.

It felt good hitting him. He would never admit that to anyone, but it felt good. Until the next day, when his mother picked him up from school and told him that Michael was in the hospital, in serious condition.

She drove him there to meet Mrs. Boetcher, Karen. They were there when the doctor explained what a pontis bleed was, and that Michael would be confined to a bed his whole life, and his only way of communicating was through blinking. Derek felt like his whole world was a mess.

Right now, he was on his way to see Michael and Karen, and to tell them in person that...

He couldn't fix Michael. The damage was already done. But because of what happened he would _learn_ how to fix people. Save people. He would learn how to advocate for better care for concussions and head injuries, so symptoms could be detected sooner.

Because Michael Boetcher was a mess he'd spend his whole life cleaning up.

He didn't need anymore messes.

"Derek?"

"I'm going to a doctor soon, ma," he said. "Because of Michael, because I destroyed a life, a family... I-" How come bad things have to happen to force you to realize the good in life?

"Derek, you always wanted to help people. You always wanted what was right and good. You always cheered for the underdog... Your decision to be a doctor isn't about making up for what you did... it was always in your character to begin with. This accident only gave you the passion you needed to focus. And by God, you've done that."

"I just wish..." It didn't come at such a high cost.

"I know."

"What do I tell them? How do I-"

His mother sighed and ran her hands through her son's hair before cupping his face. She nodded to the oncoming shore. "Look at the horizon, son. We're moving toward something. This isn't something you should dread. You are about to tell a man who can do nothing but lie in a bed all day that _he_ is the reason you've been accepted into Columbia University, and _he_ is the reason you're pursuing medicine, and _he_ is the reason that sometime soon in the future you are going to be able to save a life, many lives, in fact. And so despite Michael's condition... despite the fact that he is paralysed, you are going to act on his behalf to fix broken people."

Carolyn Shepherd always had a way with words.

Derek swallowed and turned his gaze to the shore, the horizon. She was right, he couldn't look back. He couldn't dwell on the past. He was on a Ferryboat. On his way to tell a man that he was indirectly responsible for saving hundreds of lives in the future. Put that way... it sounded good.

Ferryboats were about moving forward.


	7. Ogled

"Mind if I sit here?" Someone asked. Derek looked up from his crossword and furrowed his brow. The guy seemed familiar... he'd seen him before, but where?

"Sure," he said, moving his feet to leave the chair open. How was he familiar? The man seemed to be the same age, with dark hair and blue eyes like himself... actually he looked a lot like him except for the heavy eyebrows... "Do I know you from somewhere?" he asked.

The man smiled, "Weiss," he said as he offered a hand. "I'm taking my MBA. I live across from you at the dorm in Columbia."

Of course, it made sense now... "Right. Weiss. I'm Derek," he shook his hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Let me guess, Med student?"

"How did you know?"

"It's a heavy program, you all wander around like zombies."

Derek laughed. Yeah pretty much. And he was barely a semester in. God, was it that bad? Still, he was lucky his family lived in New York. Thanksgiving at home was only a Ferryboat ride away, which was where he was headed to now. He looked back at his crossword. He had a passing interest in them, mostly they made the time go by. Usually he cheated though...

But maybe he could make a friend here. He was a bit lonely, except for Mark, he hadn't had a chance to incorporate himself fully into college life. The program was hectic and intense, the hours long, the studying grueling. He'd barely found his groove before break, and he was... lonely. "Hey Weiss, help me with this would you?" He lifted the crossword, and Weiss nodded.

"Savor, as in fine wine." Derek read. "Three letters, ends in a 'p'"

"Oh, that's easy..." Wiess smiled, "Sip."

"Ah." Derek scribbled it into the three letter slot. He hunted for another clue, "Another word for far. Seven letters."

"Oh..." Weiss thought for a moment, he counted something on his fingers. "Distant!" he pointed.

Distant... that fit.

He was searching for another clue when Weiss called out, "Hey Sav! Over here!"

Derek looked behind him and saw a blonde woman approach. She was very classy, moving with a determined sway, poised and perfect. She carried two large coffees.

"There you are honey, I lost you..." she said. Handing him a cup.

"Well now you found me," Weiss smiled. He took the cup gratefully.

"Americano, with milk," she said. Then she noticed Derek. "Oh. My. God. Weiss, you found him!"

"Huh?" Weiss asked, lowering the cup with a quizical look in his eyes.

Sav bent down and whispered, "That's him- that's the guy Addi-"

Weiss coughed, which only confused Derek more... "Found who?" He asked. What was going on? He put the crossword down and looked first at Sav, then Weiss, then back at Sav.

"Um..." Weiss nervously tapped his fingers on his coffee cup.

Sav straightened and smiled, "Oh, it's nothing bad... I'm sorry- My name is Savvy, Weiss and I are together."

"Oh." Derek said, swallowing. How awkward... He always hated being friends with couples when he wasn't a couple, he always felt like a third wheel, not that it happened much by the way... it just- AWKWARD.

"Look," Savvy was saying when he finally unpaused from his thoughts- "My best friend Addison... do you know her? Red hair? She's in your program..."

The name sounded familiar... maybe? He hadn't really paid much attention. The program was so intense. But he remembered someone with Red Hair. She sat in the front of class usually. She asked lots of questions... she seemed well put together. Was that her?

"Maybe," he said non-committal.

Sav sat on Weiss' lap. "Well anyway... she has the hugest crush on you."

"What?" Someone had a crush on him? How did that happen? Usually he was the chaser, not the chasee.

"I know, she won't shut up about it," Sav said, admiring her nails.

"She won't?" Somebody talks about him?

"She thinks your hair is amazing..."

"What?" Addison likes his hair? Unconsciously he touched his scalp. He wished he had a mirror. Was the half hour in front of the mirror every morning paying off?

"And your eyes..." Sav said.

"Huh?" Dammit! He wanted a mirror!

"So..." Savvy twisted a strand of hair. "What do you think?"

Derek paused, stunned. Since Bowdoin, he hadn't really thought about a girlfriend, he'd dated in college, he'd even managed a year-and a half relationship which only really ended because the girl was transferring to Europe and he wasn't really a long distance type of guy. He liked close. He needed close. "Uh... Addison likes me?" he asked.

Savvy gave him a look that said _What the hell have I been telling you the last few minutes?_

He gave her a look that said, _WTF? I'm a twenty-three year old med school student, you think I have a clue about anything?_

Weiss cleared his throat, ending their little stare-spat. "How about this... after thanksgiving, Sav invites Addison for lunch, I invite you for lunch and bada-bing bada-boom, done. If anything happens, it'll happen. If not-" he shrugged.

"Uh..." Derek hesitated.

"Just say yes." Sav said.

"Okay..." He said. He wasn't quite sure what to think or feel... except, somebody was chasing him? How intriguing.

He picked up the crossword. Fourteen down read: Gazed at Lustily. He looked up at Savvy and thought about this Addison girl. He thought for a moment and scribbled 'Ogled.' Hmm.


	8. Ferever

Although the ferryboat was fairly level as it crossed the hudson, the world was topsy turvy for Derek. Several shots of scotch and at least a six pack of beer would do that. He laughed, the sound erupting out of him was surprising. The deck tilted. Or he tilted, he wasn't sure which.

"Woah now..." Mark said, gripping his waist to stabilise him.

"Maarrrk," Derek slurred. He grinned sloppily at his friend, "M'gettin married." he blinked. "Tomorrow!" he said with a heavy nod.

"And you've had too much to drink..."

"Haha." Derek said. He wobbled as Mark led him to the rail to stare out at the churning water below. The stars wink-winked at him as he watched them in the darkness. The waters reflected the lights of the New York skyline.

Was this for real? Was he dreaming? This was... The Life. He finished med school, he finished his residency, he was a doctor. A neurosurgeon. He met a girl, dated, loved her and proposed. Now he was complete. How had he gotten from there to here?. "I'm gettin married... Ferever," he mumbled as the reality sunk in.

"Yeah, forever. Sickness and health, Richer or poorer and all that crap." Mark muttered bitterly.

"Whassrong with ferever?" Derek asked.

"I couldn't do it man, one girl for the rest of my life?" he shook his head. "I mean... I'd get bored or something..."

"Mm." Derek agreed. He couldn't see Mark settling down anytime soon, or later either. But he... He was ready. Addison was... "She's perfect. Addididson's perrfect fer me. Shesalovamalife, y'know."

"Yeah, okay." Mark acquiesced.

Derek heard his tone andfrowned "Wha? You don' believe in ferever?"

Mark laughed and shook his head. "I just... Don't believe in people."

Derek swallowed and swayed on the deck. He reached for the rail and pulled himself closer to his best friend. He understood. Mark didn't come from an intact family. His parents showed no interest in him or in staying together. Derek's family had become Mark's, but still he was damaged. "I beliebe in you... Yer my bessfren. You... N'addididson. You guys are da best. My best fr-friends. You are."

"Okay man." Mark smiled and patted him on the back.

For awhile he was silent in drunken contemplation. Tomorrow he would be married. They would move into the brownstone. After he finished his Neuro fellowship at New York Pres, he might consider Private practice. There was good money in it. And he'd just turned twenty-eight. Life was perfect. Life was great!

"Iss great! M'gettin married!" he shouted. He never felt so good before. It was amazing!

"You ever wonder..." Mark started but rubbed his goatee thoughtfully. "Nevermind."

"Wha? You kin tellme. Yermabessfren."

"What if you loved someone, but couldn't have them. You think there's someone else out there?"

Derek grinned and patted his friend on the back. "There's somebodody for everbody Mark. E'an you."

"Yeah." Mark said softly.

Derek suddenly remembered something. He patted his pockets frantically. A drunken macarena dance. Where were they? "Mark!" he gasped as panic erupted in him. "Da rings... Where's where... I wha..." he gaped.

"Relax man, I got them right here." Mark dug in his pocket and pulled out the rings, showing them in the palm of his large hand.

"Oh, good." Derek said softly. "I'm gettin married."

"Yeah."

"Tomorrow."

"Yeah."

"Ferever."

"Yeah... I know... Forever."

And the two of them stood on the deck of the ferryboat watching the skylinr fade.

Ferryboats were about forever.


	9. A Good Breakfast

A/N: Helen Crawford was featured in season 3 ep Scars and Souvenirs.

Derek dug into the greasy paper bag that held his breakfast. A couple of gooey fresh donuts. Quickly he shoved half of one in his mouth, his tongue tingling at the sweetness of the glaze. He washed it down with a big gulp of black coffee.

"Donuts for breakfast?" A familiar voice asked. "That does not seem like the breakfast of an aspiring neurosurgeon."

Derek nervously wiped his sticky fingers on his pants and turned away from the rail. "Dr. Crawford!" He exclaimed at the sight of his mentor.

Helen Crawford was a formidible force at New York Pres. He'd known her now for a year, and to be honest, she intimidated him. With two more years of experience in the field, and a hefty international resume to round out her abilities, she was the one to watch here. He admired her because she was blunt and honest, and knew what she wanted. But what was she doing on the ferry? He thought she lived in a highrise condo a mile from the hospital.

"Dr. Shepherd..." she trailed off as she walked up beside him. "I didn't know you took the Ferry..."

"Parking is too expensive... I take a ten minute bus ride, hop on the ferry, catch the subway, and get off a block away from the hospital." he said, wanting to impress her with his knowledge of the system.

"How...economical." Helen said, obviously unimpressed.

"Hm." Oops that didn't really work.

But he still wondered what she was doing on the ferryboat. "I didn't know you took the ferryboat," he said.

"I don't." she replied as she stared out at the Hudson.

Derek blinked, confused. Not knowing what to do he sighed and gulped some more coffee. He was about to induldge in the other half of his donut when Helen spoke again.

"Parafalcine Meninigioma." She said suddenly.

"What?"

"Treatment, Dr. Shepherd." Helen looked at him sternly.

He straightened up, carefully scrutinizing Helen. She was as elegant as ever, her hair dark and her eyes mysterious. Albeit perhaps she was a little pale. He noted the slight asian style blouse she wore under her longcoat, and the new wedding ring glinting in the early morning light.

This was all so strange and confusing.

"Dr. Shepherd? I'm waiting."

He scratched the back of his head. It was too early for this... "Well, Parafalcine... That's in the middle of the frontal cortex... I suppose it depends on the size of the tumour. If it's small enough, I'd approach sagil sinusly."

"And if the tumour is too big..."

"Well I guess the option would be resection. But that would mean multiple surgeries over the course of... Years. You might not get it all." He popped the donut in his mouth and chewed thoughtfully.

Helen nodded, her dark eyes flashing. "Very good Dr. Shepherd." And she stared out again at the water.

"Helen..." Derek said feeling something was wrong with his friend.

"I'm contemplating life, Derek. That's why I'm here." And with that she reached over and plucked the remaining donut out of his bag and took a huge bite. "Mm. Wonderful." she licked her lips. "You have a long life ahead of you, Derek. Don't waste it on petty indulgences. A good breakfast. Fruit. Fibre." She took another bite of the donut. "I'll see you at rounds." And she turned on her heel and walked away

Derek watched her go... He was contemplating life alright. Like how she had the nerve to steal his very fresh and delicious donut. Then he chuckled and crumpled the bag in his hands. "Fruit and fibre Helen? Really?" but his smile faded as he considered her words.

Ferryboats were places of contemplation.


	10. Ju-jued

It was an absolutely gorgeous day. The sun brightly reflected off the water, and the hudson flowed as a river of sparks. It was a beautiful day, and yet...

"Juju?" Addison asked. She hovered over him with a paper cup in her hand.

"What?" Derek looked up from the bench at his wife. The sunlight caused her red hair to flare like fire.

"Hot cocoa Derek... It's good luck! I'm sorry about your patients... three in one week? That's awful." Addison sat beside him as he accepted the hot beverage.

"Hmm." He said as he took a sip and winced at the heat. In his mind he went over every possibility, but... It had been too late.

"Do you think we'll make it?" Addison asked.

Derek furrowed his brows in confusion, "Make it?"

"You know...Become great surgeons. When everything becomes second nature, and you just... Know, you know?"

Derek chuckled at Addison's rambling. She was cute that way. But his last patient... "I thought I knew, Addy. I thought the bleed would resolve itself..." he shook his head and frowned. "I waited too long. I made a bad call."

He stared at the cup. He lost patients before of course. Usually if a Neurosurgeon was called, it was bad enough already. But..."It was a kid Addy..."

She leaned her head on his shoulder. He sighed into her.

Everyday there was a choice. Operate or not. Wait or go in? Live or die? But what about after?

The consequences at the end. After the choice has been made. In his mind's eye he saw the boy's face... His mother's broken expression as he gave the news.

He sipped the 'Juju' Addison gave him. He hated these choices.

"Derek, it's... you can't-" Addison sighed, taking the cup from him and having a sip. "This is how you learn... Now you know."

"A kid had to die for me to learn?" Derek said, horrified.

"That's not-" Addison took his hand and rubbed it. "I just meant, you won't make this mistake again. It's in your mind now, and everytime something happens, you'll think of this moment... So it won't happen again." She offered the cup back to him. "You'll know."

"I'll know." Derek ran a hand through his hair. He looked at his cup. "You Jujued me!"

Her lips quirked, and the light flashed in her eyes, making the blue even bluer. "It's good Juju!" she laughed. "Soon Derek, we'll have made it. We'll make it. But right now..." she stared out at the sky. "It's a beautiful day..."

Derek took her hands and kissed her quickly on the lips. "Mm," he said. Addison had a way of bringing him... Perspective.

It was a beautiful day. The clouds were wispy and thin against the blue sky, and along the edge of the river the New York skyline was as clear and bright as ever.

To be a good surgeon, you could only dwell on so much before you had to move on...

"It's a beautiful day..." he said as he picked up the Juju.

Ferryboats were good Juju.


	11. Absentia

**A/N:** Thanks for your patience Readers! If you don't know anything about the J Peterman Catalogue, you should probably google it, just to understand what I describe in this chaprer.

Derek peered at the scan again, shifting it in the natural sunlight. If he could just find the right angle... Oh, this aneurysm was a tricky bugger. Right in Broca's area too. If anything were to happen, he could see it causing major deficits. But maybe if he approached there, temporally-

His thoughts were interrupted by the onslaught of his wife's lips crashing on his own. "Mmm! Addison!" He exclaimed, almost dropping the scan.

"What?" she asked sweetly, "I can't kiss my husband?"

"No," he sighed, mildly annoyed, "I just...you caught me off guard there." he said. He snapped the scan and held it back up into the mild morning light, where was he again?

Addison sighed, "Der... C'mon, you'll have plenty of time to look at the scan before the surgery. But I won't see you at all today, and I need your opinion on a Christmas Gift for your mother..."

Derek rolled his eyes, "All right, Addy, what?"

"Well, besides the annual cruise we all chip in for, how about this?" She pointed in the J Peterman Catalogue.

He sighed. "A silver plated four piece tea set?" he asked.

"Don't you think it's gorgeous?"

He shrugged. What did he know about tea sets? "Yeah, sure..." he mumbled. Let Addison deal with this stuff.

"Derek... Aren't you a little more excited about the season? I mean this is _us. Derek and Addison._ We go crazy, buy stuff for the women's shelter, have a big dinner with Mark and all our friends, hang the lights up at the brownstone. Mark gets drunk dressed as Santa and steals the Christmas stockings... We kiss under the mistletoe...?" Addison took his hand and rubbed his palm.

Derek softened, remembering all their crazy Christmases. How many was it now? Almost nine, he reckoned. "We do have a good time, don't we? Except as I recall, last year, Mark kissed you under the Mistletoe..."

Addison blushed. "Oh that was nothing, that was _Mark."_

"Yeah, okay..." he said. He had nothing to fear, he knew... Mark was sometimes a bit of a flirt.

"Alright, give me _that,"_ he pulled the catalogue from Addison's hands. "What should I get you, hmm? Let's see... Oh, Paris De Nuit!" He raised his eyebrows at J Peterman's description of the glorious dress... "I saw you at a Cafe and you were boring.. Now you're all Soutach'ed and Sultry!" he grinned. "It even has ostrich feathers!"

"Oh yeah, you know what I'll get you?" Addison smirked, as she snatched the catalogue out of his hands... "Oh this is good..." she chuckled. "Moleskin Shirt...There was a time when a man would go outside for a few minutes... " She read... "That man would not return for three hours.. What was he doing? Was he in the shed, measuring and cutting things? Pulling dead plants out of the ground? Thinking? Strategizing?" Addison guffawed. "Yes, there was a time when a man didn't need a pullover..."

Derek chuckled. "You know Addy, there is this land called Passive Agressiva..."

She raised an eyebrow, "And I love you Derek, but there is this land called Absentia..."

"Hmm," he said, glancing at the brain scan before he looked out the window of the Ferry to see small specks of snow wafting down...

Addison pecked him on the cheek, but his thoughts returned once again to the doozy of an aneurysm in front of him.

On Ferryboats, sometimes he got a little lost in thought.


	12. Blindsided

The New York rain hammered into his cold cheeks, but he didn't care. The wind left him shivering, but he didn't care. He shuddered. He was cold. But not from the rain. Not from the wind. He was cold from the ache in his heart.

His Wife.

His Best Friend.

Tangled together in HIS bed. HIS sheets.

In the throes.

The long blast from the foghorn of the Ferryboat caused him to look up, and he sputtered into the rain.

 _"If you leave now-" Addison clutched at him, even as he fought her off. "If you leave- We won't be Derek and Addison."_

He had thrown her out. In a sudden terrifying rage that had consumed him before he'd even known what he'd done. He remembered her pounding on the thick door of the brownstone. Begging, pleading. Until common decency gripped him and he pulled her back inside.

He left instead.

Now he was here, on the ferryboat. He stared out at the dark outline of the city in the distance. The lights blinked back at him, but he couldn't stop himself from seeing...

It was cruel.

His best friend. They'd just chatted this morning. Made plans for a Yankees game.

His wife. She'd made him coffee, said, 'I love you,' as he darted out the door on his way to work. Derek stopped. Swallowed. Did he say it back? Did he thank her for coffee?

Of course he did. Didn't he?

He just remembered thinking about a glioma he had scheduled. And he'd lost that patient. Only to come home to... that.

The sigh that escaped his lips was long and angry. He'd failed that patient. Now... his marriage?

He hadn't seen it coming. He'd been blindsided. Betrayed. Mark? His best friend. The best man at his wedding, had betrayed three decades of friendship and eleven years of marriage.

He hadn't seen it coming. He should've seen it, should've... could've...

He wanted a drink. He scoffed. There was no one to drink with.

There was no one to go home to. Correction, there was no _home_ to go to. So he remained on the Ferryboat, wet with rain. Even through his leather gloves his hands were cold. He pulled the gloves off and rubbed his hands together, feebly trying to warm them with his breath. It was no use. He felt so, so cold.

As he rubbed his hands together he felt the cold metal of the wedding ring. The ring she'd slipped on his finger after saying 'I do.' The ring that bore a simple inscription _Derek and Addison Forever. XOXO_ on the inside. That was who they'd been for so long. In med school, 'Derek and Addison.' In residency, 'Derek and Addison.' In their fellowships and now in private practice, always 'Derek and Addison.'

Never one without the other.

Now he was just Derek.

In one seriously fucked up day, he lost his best friend and his wife.

A bitter chuckle escaped his lips. Fucked up was right.

He hadn't felt like this... since...

Derek swallowed again. Since his father died.

He gripped the ring and yanked it off with a gasp. For a brief second he stared at it. The exquisite yet simple 24 karat gold finish stared back at him. Derek and Addison were no more. She said it herself. With angry grunt he threw it into the muddy waters of the Hudson.

And then he sobbed.

Addison may have ripped his heart out, but it was Mark who broke it.

Now he had no where to go. Nothing. It didn't matter that he had a house in the Hamptons or a Brownstone, or a Porsche. It didn't matter that he ran one of the most successful private practices in New York. Because all of that was with Addison.

And there was no more Addison.

He didn't want any of it. He wondered if he ever did.

He just... he was drowning.

Derek tottered inside, finally realizing he needed a break from the deluge. He ran his fingers through his soaking wet hair and pulled out his phone. It'd been buzzing on and off since he'd boarded the Ferryboat and he ignored it because he knew it was Addison.

He sighed. Six missed calls. He had nothing to say to her.

Derek was about to put the phone away when it buzzed again. He grimaced, thinking it was her again. But it wasn't.

It was Helen Crawford.


	13. Scrubcap Pt 1

He burst through the neurology wing at New York Pres with a thunderous step he never knew he possessed. Helen asked him to come... actually she demanded.

"Get out! Get out of here!" Helen's voice carried out into the hall followed by a crash and a surprised yelp. "Do you have any idea who I am? Do you know who you are speaking to? I am one of the foremost neuro- oh!"

"Dr. Crawford!" A young voice called out, "She's seizing!"

Panic rose in Derek's chest and he picked up the pace. He skidded into the room to find Helen in the midst of a grand mal seizure. A quick glance at the monitors and her chart told him what he needed to do as he pushed the frightened resident away. "10 migs diazepam, stat!" He shouted.

But the young man just stood there, "Who are you?" he asked.

"Dammit! Just do it, now!" Derek turned Helen on her side as she shook uncontrollably on the bed.

The resident hesitated, and then figured he was damned either way, so he proceeded to administer the medication. After a moment or two, Helen's seizure stopped, and her body relaxed against the bed. Derek released a long shaky breath as he propped up the pillows behind her and brushed her hair out of her face.

He turned to the resident, "Page her doctor. And then give us a moment, in private."

"Uh, sir?"

After all of the events of the day, he was out of patience. "Page her doctor and tell him that Doctor Shepherd is here to consult!" He snapped.

"Doctor Shepherd?" the man gaped in disbelief.

"Yes! Now go." He turned back to Helen and rubbed his forehead, frustrated. The resident left quickly, the squeak of sneakers evidence of his frantic run as he raced to find his attending.

Derek stepped forward and collapsed in the large chair beside her bed. "I didn't think it would be back so soon," he said to the sleeping Helen. "I'm-" He swallowed, "I'm sorry." And he was. He'd failed again.

 _Four years ago:_

 _He thought he might find her here. It was the first time that he'd searched for someone on the ferryboat. Usually people searched for him here. But... he had a feeling that Helen was here. As he climbed the last steep step to the top deck, he surveyed the crowd of people, looking for that familiar elegant posture, that familiar dark hair._

 _He found her on the bench, deep in thought, contemplating life no doubt. Legs crossed, she ticked her booted foot in a nervous gesture. After hearing what he heard, he could understand why. "Hi," he said, sitting down beside her._

 _Her eyebrow raised from under her sunglasses. "Shepherd. Figures you would find me here."_

 _He smirked, "Yeah... figures."_

 _"Congratulations." Helen said, looking up at the sky._

 _"Congratulations?" He asked, confused. This was supposed to be about her, not him._

 _"On your new private practice." Helen said, glancing at him finally._

 _Oh yeah... It had happened so quickly. One moment he was taking his boards and completing his fellowship, and the next- He shook his head, he was digressing. "Helen..." he said._

 _"Derek."_

 _"I saw your scans-"_

 _"You realize I have to give up surgery now? Because of the tumor?" She interrupted._

 _"Helen-" he started again._

 _"I have tremors. That's no good in the OR. I could have a seizure. Or have a migraine so intense that I'll collapse from the pain. Blurred vision-"_

 _"Helen!" He barked._

 _She physically jerked at his call. She pulled off her sunglasses to gaze at him thoughtfully._

 _"I saw your scans... " Derek continued. "I don't know what Dr. Thompson said, but I looked at your scans, and I think I can operate. I can resect as much as I can, and then we'll monitor it, keep an eye on it. We'll have to go back in, eventually, but Helen, I can give you another few years. I can give you as many as you need." He said confidently. He'd seen the MRI. The tumor was big, but he was convinced he could get at least 85 percent of it. That would be enough to relieve the pressure that caused such intense symptoms._

 _"You're suggesting-"_

 _"I can give you time, Helen. For now. And then, we'll give you a tune-up every few years. The tumor is big, but the surgery is simple enough. I don't know why Thompson wants to pass on it."_

 _Helen sighed and stared up at the sky. "But there's no way to..."_

 _He had thought about it, removing the tumor completely. But it was far too risky at this point. In fact the resection alone would be one intense and difficult surgery, but he didn't tell her that. He shook his head. "Helen... I can do this. You know that. You taught me. Let me do this for you."_

 _Helen sighed so long and hard it seemed her entire body deflated. Derek reached over, hesitated, then placed a hand on her knee. She allowed him. He heard an audible sniff before she spoke again."You know, Jake bought me this..." she pulled out a piece of colored fabric. "A month before I was diagnosed. I never got a chance to wear it."_

 _He smiled as he looked at it. "A ferryboat scrub cap?" he asked, bewildered._

 _"Hm, yes." she said, tucking it back in her pocket._

 _"I like ferryboats."_

 _"You do, don't you?"_

 _"It's a good place... to contemplate life, I think." He hoped she got his implied message. He wanted her to take the surgery. To live. Even a few years was better than nothing._

 _Helen stood up abruptly. "All this contemplating has made me famished," she remarked. "Do they still have those scrumptious donuts around here?"_

 _He offered her his elbow as he slowly grinned. "C'mon, my treat."_

 _"Delightful." Helen said as she slipped her arm through his and followed him back inside for an ooey gooey donut.  
_

Now, in the dimly lit private room, Derek watched Helen sleep, and wondered if it was worth it. Was he just prolonging suffering? If he operated now, it would be his third time. The third time... in the space of four years. The tumor was growing at a rapid pace.

Four years ago, he was optimistic, bold, a little arrogant. A little scared even. But at this very moment, he was broken, and he didn't know... he didn't know if he could do it again.


	14. Scrubcaps Part 2

**A/N:** I'm back! Enjoy!

Picks up immediately from last chapter. Derek at the hospital with Helen.

.

"So, can you do it?" Helen's soft accented voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Helen," Derek sat up and took her hand. "Hm," he smiled at her, happy to see her awake and cognizant.

"Well?"

"Right to the point are we?"

"Why not?" Helen smiled back. "I'm dying here, Shepherd."

"Mm. You're getting morbid in your old age."

"Language, dear." Helen shifted and groaned a little as she sat up in her bed. Derek sighed and gazed at his colleague, his friend, with compassion. She too looked at him intently. "Did you fall in the river on your way here? You look like a drowned rat."

That caused him to snort. "I..." he shook his head. He couldn't tell her about Addison right now. "Just contemplating life on the ferryboat."

"In the rain? Without an umbrella?"

"Yeah." he smiled ruefully. "One of those days."

"Well that's pretty silly if you ask me. Did you at least have one of those scrumptious donuts?"

"I thought I wasn't supposed to have petty indulgences."

"That was different. You were a resident. Residents aren't allowed indulgences."

Derek smirked, shaking his head. "You're something else, Helen."

"Of course I am. So, can you do it?"

He'd seen the scan. If he was in his right mind he would take it all. It was big, but not as big as before. But it was awful close to the superior sagil sinus artery. If he was in his right mind he would take the risk. He rubbed his jaw, his five-o'clock shadow like sandpaper against his hand. He swallowed. "Where's Jake?" he asked.

Helen waved a dismissing hand. "He went to the condo to bring me my things. Enough stalling. Tell me."

"I can do the resection," he nodded.

"But you can't get it all."

Derek sighed. He didn't need another failure. Another black mark. Especially when it was his friend. "No... I don't think..." He stopped and pushed his insecurity down. "No, it's too dangerous," he said finally, looking down at his shoes.

Helen sighed and looked away from him. "So eventually, I'll have to have another surgery."

"Yes."

Awkard silence filled the room. Derek slumped back in his chair. He couldn't get the image of Addison and Mark out of his mind. What happened? How could he? Betrayal gnawed at his heart. His Best Friend. The man who held the rings for him now seemed to be taking them away. And his friendship. He wouldn't lose another friend. Not today.

"Contemplating life again, Derek?"

"Mm." He replied, pushing himself out of his chair. "I'm going to get an OR booked, okay? Get some rest." He managed a reassuring smile to cover up his fear that in a few hours he'd be hovering over Helen's brain.

xxx

"Dr. Peterson, can you close?" he asked.

The Resident who had been assisting him nodded, "Yes Dr. Shepherd."

Derek stepped back from the table and scrubbed out. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. The surgery had been successful. Helen would be symptom free for the time being, but... he shook his head. He'd played it safe. He could've... there was a chance that he could've gotten it all. But as he'd come up to the margin of the tumor... his fingers trembled. It was unnoticable to the residents and nurses, but _he_ noticed. So he played it safe.

He scrubbed out, his mind going peacefully blank during the familiar routine before he'd have to inform Jake. He walked slowly out of the surgical wing into the waiting area.

Jake was waiting patiently in one of the lowback chairs, his legs crossed as he peered at a surgical magazine. He seemed so relaxed despite the fact that his wife just had brain surgery. In many ways, Jake was the opposite of Helen. Where she was elegant, Jake was conventional. Where she was impatient, he was contemplative. Where she was cultured, he was rustic. A part of Derek admired the man for it.

"Jake," he called, and Jake raised his head. "Dr. Shepherd," he said, standing up to greet him.

"Please, it's Derek."

"Derek. Is Helen-?"

He smiled, "The surgery was successful. There weren't any complications. Your wife will be fine."

"Oh, thank God."

"Hmm," He rumbled before he was captured in a tight hug. "Okay." He patted the man's shoulder. "You can go see her now, I'll take you."

xxx

Jake was snoring at Helen's bedside, and Derek too was fighting sleep. He wanted to see this through. See her through. And it wasn't like he had anything else to do anyway.

A long sigh could be heard over Jake's snores, and Derek stood up. Helen's eyes fluttered. She sighed again, smacked her lips, and opened her eyes. "No donuts?" she whispered hoarsely.

Derek shrugged, "You and your donuts."

He turned to Jake, but Helen shook her head. "Let him sleep."

"Okay." Derek took out his penlight, and begain his routine neuro exam. "Squeeze my finger."

Helen obliged. "Now, you are going to tell me what's wrong with you Shepherd."

"Nothing is wrong. Follow the light," he flashed his penlight in her eyes, watching her pupils dilate.

"You're lying."

"It's nothing for you to worry about. What's the date?"

"It's the day after yesterday. I'm fine Derek. No tingling or numbness, no blurred vison, no headaches. Except where you drilled a hole in my skull. Now, tell me what is going on, because I saw the scans too Derek, and I thought... this time you'd have the balls-"

"Balls?" Derek interrupted sharply, deeply offended. "Really Helen?" He did what he said he would do. He gave her more time. What more could she ask of him?

"You played it safe. I expected a speech. Something about how you could get it all. Something about a different approach... But..." she shook her head.

"I'm sorry I didn't want to kill my friend!" He snarled back at her.

But Helen didn't listen. "What happened to you? Where was that daring intern I remembered? The one who even kept Richard Webber on his toes?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." But he did know... he'd felt it for a long time... And it wasn't Addison or Mark or what they did together, it was... him.

He'd changed somehow. It had happened so slowly and naturally as he'd grown. He'd become comfortable. He'd been taking things for granted, not realizing how quickly things could fall apart. How quickly he could lose it all. And now...

He looked down at Helen, picked up her hand and squeezed. "I wasn't ready, Helen." He blew a defeated sigh. "I..." he shook his head, letting his eyes reveal the dissappointment he had in himself. "I just... I couldn't... I wasn't ready. I'm not that person anymore."

 _Fail, fail fail._ Rattled through his head. Was this why? Why Addison and Mark- Was _he_ why?

"The drawer," Helen whispered.

"What?"

"Open the drawer." She was trying to stay awake.

He slid it open. A ferryboat scrubcap. "What's this?"

"Jake and I met on a Ferryboat you know," Helen said. "I just arrived here from Iran." Her eyes flashed with love as she gazed at her sleeping husband.

"Really?" He grinned.

"Mmhmm. I took a risk. Asked him for directions to Union Station. He was more than accomadating." She smiled, "The next thing I knew, he was my best friend, and then my husband."

Derek thumbed the fabric, admiring the simple yet meaningful picture of the Ferryboats and the water and the seagulls.

"I had it with me in the OR."

"You did?" he hadn't noticed. He'd been so focused on not screwing this up, that...

"You should keep it." Helen said.

"Oh, I..."

She shook her head. "Every surgeon needs a lucky cap. I won't be using it anyway."

Shock filled him. What did she mean, not using it? "You're not-"

"Jake and I are going to enjoy our time together. Who knows what's going to happen next? I've made my mark in the medical world... now I need to make a mark in my husband's world."

"Hmm," he sighed. He hadn't made many marks of any kind lately. "You're sure?" He asked.

"Yes." Helen closed her eyes.

Jake snorted awake. "Huh?" he jerked in his chair. "Helen?"

Derek patted the man's shoulder. "She's awake. She's going to be perfectly fine."

"Helen," Jake stood and walked up to the bed. He kissed her softly on the lips. "I'm glad you're alive."

"I love you." She said simply, caressing his cheek. She scooted over in the bed and patted it. Wordlessly, he lay down next to her and wrapped his arms around her.

Derek felt his heart constrict and he blinked. "Well," he managed, "Dr. Peterson will take take care of you post-op... so... We'll keep in touch okay?"

Helen and Jake both nodded and Derek backed out quickly.

xxx

The wind blew harshly against him, but the sun was peeking out along the coast. It sparked a pink glare that reflected off of thousands of windows from the NY skyline. He sighed. He didn't even know where he was going. He bunched the scrubcap in his hand. Ferryboats. Contemplation.

He had to change. He had to find out who he was again.

But he had no clue how to start.

His phone rang. Addison? At this hour? Really? But it wasn't. Who was calling him from a 206 number?

"Hello?" He asked.

The voice on the other end was deep and familiar. "Richard? Richard Webber?"


	15. Intense, this thing for Ferryboats

The Seattle breeze was different from New York's. Seattle was rainier, for sure, but it was warmer. Derek walked along the top deck of the Ferry to Bainbridge, the wind ruffling his already ruffled hair. It had been an extremely long and taxing day. His patient had been a victim of a vicious attack, and he'd had to operate on her twice. She had no one.

Alison. That was her name.

But she'd pulled through, and the relief he felt upon seeing her open her eyes almost made him cry.

Believe it or not, however, saving a life hadn't been the highlight of his day.

She'd _kissed_ him.

Derek smirked, thinking about it.

The water rolled beneath the Ferry as it inched him closer to home. If you could call a 22 footer Airstream trailer home, and Derek rubbed his lips thoughtfully.

 _Meredith_ kissed him. Kissed him, like- like-

Hell, he had no point of comparison to that kiss. It was an all-consuming, breath-stealing, pulse-accelerating, lip-swelling kiss that he felt _everywhere._

An intern had kissed him! And Derek had no idea what was happening to him. He'd been loath to come here, seeing as it was 3,000 miles away. Granted, he wouldn't turn down a chance for Chief of surgery, and granted, he wanted to forget his wife, and Mark, and New York... just for a little while...

But-

 _So... is this a good place to hang out?_

Seriously? That pick-up line?

 _I'm gonna take a shower... and when I get back, you won't be here._

A one night stand?

He'd never had a one night stand...

Never!

Mark would be- well never mind about him.

Something was happening to him, and he couldn't figure it out. He became impulsive, brash, and totally smitten by Meredith Grey.

That night with her... _that night-_

He'd gone to the bar to forget. Put it all out of his mind. He was starting a new job, and he needed to be a new person. He'd eyed her from his stool, noticing her entrancing eyes and the long light locks of her hair, and he felt a rush he hadn't felt since he'd planned to ask Heather to prom.

He stared at his drink for a long time before he blurted the lamest pick-up line ever.

But she smiled back. She _saw_ him.

 _Just hiding my pain._

And _that night..._ The way she touched him, the way she drove him... The way their bodies collided in the heat of the night with sweat and sex; connection, want, need. He needed her, he'd realized halfway through succumbing to his body's instincts the second time around with her.

When had he ever _needed_ someone?

And if that kiss today meant anything... She needed him too, despite her own protests.

Meredith, though she rejected him verbally, her body sent all the right signals. It really was only a matter of time.

Derek sighed and smiled into the sun. It was supposed to rain today, but it hadn't yet. He threaded a hand through his curly locks and walked to the other side of the Ferryboat. Gazing out at the island ahead, something pulled his attention below him. A slight blonde female figure, a bag looped over her right shoulder, leaned over the rail, gazing at the beautiful island. Derek almost laughed at the coincidence.

He'll chase her again at the hospital, but for now, he was content to just watch.

This thing he had for Ferryboats was intense.


	16. That was Everything to You?

**A/N:** Bit of a time jump here...

When it rained in Seattle, it really rained. The plane from D.C had to circle three times around the airport, as the morning downpour had slowed earlier landing planes and clogged the runway. Derek was exhausted. He'd barely slept. Maybe a half hour on the plane. But most of the time he'd been awake, staring out at the blackness of the night. Worried, afraid. For his wife, for his marriage. Because of what he'd done.

A year and a half ago, he held his newborn son in his arms while his wife and daughter slept peacefully beside him. He'd been the happiest man alive. Staring into those baby-blue eyes, everything made sense, everything was right, everything clicked.

Now on the ferry boat, scrambling for shelter from the pouring rain, nothing made sense anymore.

He left her. He left Meredith for D.C.

And then he kissed another woman.

He had to get perspective. He had to fix it.

When he called from the airport, Rene had told him that Meredith called. So... it was likely Meredith knew something was up. Derek wanted to catch her before she left for work then, and beg her to stay home.

He just had to fix it.

But how had it been broken in the first place?

She wanted him to go, hadn't she?

Derek pushed a wet curly lock off his forehead, staring at the churning grey water beneath him. He recalled another rainy night arguing in front of the hospital.

 _"Go!" She growled. "Go now." Meredith's expression was stone, her stare, cold._

 _He was sure his expression mirrored hers_ _._

 _Of course, later, before he'd even left Seattle, she'd called him._

 _"Go," she'd said again. "But in a good way. We can do this, right? People do this?"_

 _"We can do this," he reassured._

But they hadn't.

It'd just become... a series of back and forth trips. Tension. Miscommunication. Resentment. Longing.

Why?

The NIH wanted him. The President wanted him.

Meredith didn't. Derek shook his head. No, he thought again, rubbing his stubbled chin. She _did_ want him.

Why did she tell him to go? He would've stayed. For her, he would've stayed.

He wanted to stay.

 _"I did this for you. I gave up EVERYTHING,"_ he'd yelled. _"For you."_

 _"Everything. You gave up Everything. That was Everything to you?"_

Shit.

Derek blinked in the rain, staring at the bow of the Ferry as it approached the island. Home was only a few minutes away now.

As the foghorn blared to alert of disembarkment, realization burst in him.

The NIH didn't want _him._ The president didn't want _him._ They wanted his talent. His gift. His mind.

But not him, Derek Shepherd.

Meredith wanted him. Forever. Even old, and senile and smelly. She wanted his presence, his love, his trust. She wanted all of him.

And he'd been preoccupied, absent, bitter. Focused on a far-flung future that may or may not include a wife with Alzheimer's, that he didn't see her as his wife now.

God, she was everything to him! How had he missed the mark?

Sighing, Derek stepped slowly down the steep stairs to his car. And as he pulled out, he glanced at the Ferryboat through the rearview mirror.

Ferryboats always gave him perspective.

He was going to fix it.

 **A/N:** So I'm thinking two more chapters, including an epilogue. Ending on a hopeful note, for my amazing readers...

Special thanks to Patsy, my ultimate fan! Thanks for your review on Mistletoe, it honestly meant so much to me you have no idea! Take Care Now. The next chaps are for you!


	17. The Most Perfect Ferryboat Ride

Derek stepped up the steps two at a time to the sundeck. The weather was perfect and he was going to enjoy it this time. Really enjoy it.

At the top, Derek chuckled at the action on the deck. Though it was a Monday, there was a school break this week, so children and their parents dotted his periphery.

A small boy bolted past him, chased by nattering girls; a little girl, Bailey's age, pointed at the water while holding her mother's hand. A young couple leaned against the railing, talking in low tones, smiling, kissing... An oblivious love-filled bubble.

A young man busked a love song with his guitar, stamping his feet. An older couple simply sat on the bench, the man resting his hands on his cane, looking out, while his wife had her hand on his thigh.

In the meantime, the sun shone brightly on him, warming him through his felt jacket. There was hardly a breeze today, barely enough to ruffle his hair, and the water...

Was so blue.

The moment was absolutely perfect. Almost.

He'd fixed it with Meredith.

When he'd returned home, Meredith needed space, so he'd been relegated to babysitter, looking after Zola and Bailey for the day. It'd turned out to be what he needed, what Meredith needed to work it out between them.

He realized... _She_ was everything to him. The _kids, Meredith._ They were what mattered. They were what he wanted to live for. His job, clipping aneurysms, taking out tumors... he was still doing his work, what he loved... he was still saving lives

So he fixed it.

He just had to sign papers, close out his office in D.C. Saying no to the president this time felt so right. There was no conflict this time. No battle, no tension, no regrets at the missed opportunity.

Derek sighed happily, gazing out at the perfect Seattle skyline. God, it was amazing today... Everything was clear and bright and perfect. They should do this more often...

He was just missing one thing.

Meredith.

"Hmm," he hummed, pulling out his phone. Hopefully, she wasn't in surgery. He pressed '1' on his dialer and waited. It rang four times before going to voicemail. "Hey, it's me," Derek said, "I'm on the Ferry. I just wanted to say that um- God, I wish you could see this,-" he said, looking at the stunning crisp blue sky, the gentle rise of mist parted by the Ferry, the way the sun peeked through puffy clouds. "Weather's classic Seattle..." Derek shifted his gaze downward at the water. Blue. So blue. "The water is so blue..." Beautiful, perfect.

He sighed, leaning against the rail. "It may be the most perfect Ferryboat ride I've ever had in my life." Except for one thing... "We're gonna do this a lot more when I get home, by the way... you, me, and the family." The wind nipped at him, breezed fresh sea air around him. It was a smell so reminiscent, so loved.

Today, after everything... For the first time in his entire life, Derek had perfect clarity, perfect perspective on his life, who he wanted to be... and who he wanted to be with.

"We're just gonna take a day and... ride the ferryboat, all day if we want. I love you, Meredith." _Stay here. Don't move. Wait for me._ He'd said less than an hour ago. "I know I just left, and I'm not even at the airport yet, but I just wanted to say... I love you. I love our family. And we're gonna keep doing this. I'll see you when I get home. I love you."

xxx

 _Several months later:_

It had been a very eventful week. But today... was the cumulation. Derek had been looking forward to this for a long time.

"Nooo! Daddy! No!" A little black and pink blur sped past him on the deck of the ferryboat.

"Rar!" Derek chased after said blur, careful of the weight on his shoulders. He winced as Bailey grabbed a fistful of his curly hair, while he stretched his legs out in exaggerated steps storming after Zola.

"No!" her back to the railing, Zola turned, "Daddy!" she shrieked in mock terror. Her smile was bright, and she giggled with anticipation.

"The Tyrannosaurus Rex is gonna eat you!" Derek called after her.

"Rex!" Bailey squealed from his seat on Daddy's shoulders. "Rex! Rex! Rex!"

"Raaar!" He roared.

"Mommy, save me!" Zola crossed the deck, scrambled over a bench and ran to hide behind her mother, clutching the back of her purple shawl.

"Don't worry Zola, I've got this!" Meredith took a defiant stance as she turned to face Tyrannosaurus Rex. Legs spread and bent slightly at the knees she faced him, even though her arms were obscured under the shawl, holding onto a bundle. "It's alright Zo-zo, I've got a secret weapon!"

"Nothing can stop Tyrannosaurus Rex!" thundered Derek as he approached.

"RAAAAA!" squealed Bailey, still pulling on his hair.

"Oh, I don't know about that!" Meredith moved, flipping the shawl over to reveal her secret weapon. "Nothing can stop baby kisses!" In her arms was a tiny, breathing little being swaddled tightly in a blanket. She tilted the baby up to face her oncoming opponent. But baby Ellis was still bewildered and befuddled by this new world. She was, after all, only three days old.

"C'mon Ellis, go get'em!" Meredith encouraged. The baby scrunched her nose and wrinkled her brow, and her arm flew haphazardly over her head."Blthb," she drooled.

"Baby El can't kiss, Mommy," laughed Bailey triumphantly.

"Oh... I don't know, that drool is pretty potent stuff," said Derek, slowing down his approach.

"But Daddy! We Rex!"

"I know," Derek said, "But Rexes are nice to babies aren't they?" he chuckled and put his son down. "Here," he reached into his pocket and pulled out a few bills. "You and your big sister go buy some candy. Be back right away, okay? Or I'll come looking."

"Licorice!" squealed Bailey.

"Gummies!" said Zola, and off they went...

Derek watched them go. He couldn't believe that at one point, he'd given this up.

"Ah!" squawked his youngest, jerking a fist.

"Someone's hungry," Meredith adjusted Ellis in her arms.

"Mm," he nodded, unable to tear his gaze from the little one. "You okay?" he asked Meredith, even as he dangled his finger for Ellis to grapple.

"Yeah... I'm okay," she chuckled. "She's so little."

"She looks like you," he said, staring at Ellis' adorable face.

"Really? I see you in her."

"Mm-hmm," he hummed. In the background, he could hear Bailey's high-pitched squeal and Zola's clapping boots as they returned from their candy run.

"Derek?"

He looked up at Meredith, his brows questioning.

Her eyes tracked every feature, wrinkle, and freckle on his face. "I love you," she said.

Gazing adoringly at his wife, the mother of his children, his best friend, Derek leaned in closer. Her scent was lavender. Her skin flushed a little in the cool air, but it was warm under his fingertips as he pulled her to him.

With Ellis between them and Zola and Bailey winding around them in circles while they played, he cupped both of his wife's cheeks and brought his lips to hers. He kissed her. Soft. Quick. Kinda like a habit.

But not quite.

Kissing his wife should always be more than a habit, he decided.

He kissed her again. Slow, tasting her, absorbing her, loving her. Surprisingly, she returned his passionate tongue dance, reminding him that she needed him just as much. Ellis squirmed between them, making sure not to be forgotten either.

Now, _this_ was the perfect ferryboat ride of his entire life.

Derek couldn't believe that for much of life, he'd been misguided. He thought he had it all, prancing around with suave hair and some fancy career.

He thought he had it all with a brownstone and the Hamptons and a gorgeous all-star wife.

He even thought he had it all when he had nothing but a trailer and a shot at being Chief of Surgery.

And then when he did have it all: A rockstar career, a fantastic wife, dreamhouse, two kids...

He gave it up?

For what? A job?

Meeting the President?

Five-hour flights and jetlag?

Work pressure? Deadlines? Skyping his children at odd hours?

Meredith sighed happily and leaned against him, no doubt tired from her fight to bring their third child into the world. He kissed her forehead and stared out at the perfect brilliant blue sky.

This was everything. Meredith, his three kids, and the love they gave him each and every day.

He wrapped his loving arms around them. Lesson learned. They were everything. She was everything. Spending the day, riding the Ferryboat with his family...

That was _everything_.


	18. A Thing for Ferryboats

**A/N:** Thank you all! This has been an amazing Journey from start to finish, as I explored Derek's character. I wrote this so I could get to know him... this man who captured millions of hearts. And it's been grand to share it with you! So many insights, so much love!

Thank You!

 **Enjoy!**

Epilogue

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" His sister and Sofia chanted as they chased Bailey around the deck.

"No!" He yelled back, annoyed. God, wouldn't they just leave him alone? They were so _annoying!_

He clomped around in his red rubber boots and blue raincoat Gramma brought him for his birthday. Today he was eight and very proud of it. Except for the part where Zola wanted him to kiss Harriet.

Girls were gross. Why would he want to kiss girls? Ew.

He looked back and saw that Zola and Sofia were now in conversation with Gramma, and breathed a relieved sigh. Slowly, he tromped to the other end of the deck, looking out at the water.

He loved Ferryboats.

His dad took him on the Ferryboats all the time. And mom came too, most of the time. They didn't really go anywhere, just rode them back and forth. Sometimes they'd get candy or have a snack. When it was rainy, he'd read books while mom and dad looked out the window. Or he'd be out like he was now, clomping in the rain, imagining things.

He liked to imagine he was captain of the ship, steering it to fight pirates. At night, when he gazed at the stars, he imagined flying toward them in a rocketship.

Or sometimes...

"Tag!" Ellis bumped into him.

"Hey!" he yelled, chasing after her.

At least she was too young to care about whether he kissed girls or not.

But as she flew past him, ignoring Gramma's heed to be careful, he spotted his mom and dad at the bow of the Ferryboat.

He tromped over, but they didn't see him. They were looking out at the Seattle skyline ahead of them, holding hands.

His dad's small duffel rested on the bench. Bailey remembered he worked last night. He was on-call. Something stuck out of the side pocket of the duffel, and Bailey pulled it out.

His dad's ferryboat Scrubcap.

Sometimes... he thought about being a doctor too. Like them. Bailey put the cap on his own head and turned to his parents. "Dad," he called.

Ew. They were kissing. His father's arms wrapped around his mother's waist while her arms were around his neck as they kissed. Bailey made a face. His parents did this all the time. And when they did it, they completely ignored him. Bailey huffed, " _Dad!_ "

They broke their lip-lock, looking flustered but also annoyed. "What?" asked his dad, bothered by the interruption.

Bailey took the cap off his head, turned it around in his hands, feeling the soft worn fabric. "Where did you get this?" he asked.

His father's eyes twinkled. His squeezed mom's hand before sitting down. Bailey handed him the cap. "That's a long story..." he said with a smile.

"Tell me," he asked, tracing the picture of the ferryboat.

"Mm," His father leaned back and crossed his legs. "I have a thing for Ferryboats you know," he said. "You know, Seattle is surrounded by water on three sides?

Mom giggled.

"Okay..." Dad continued, clearing his throat, though his eyes shone. "Where do I start? Hmm..."

 _~Fin~_


End file.
